M. Do you have a label- religious or philosophical??
A. Very confused. Haha. I love the idea of many individual religions and philosophies, but if I had to pick a label it would be close to gnostic. I know that God must exist, but the idea of picking one tears my brain to shreds. I like existentialism. . . Kierkegaard is the dreamiest.
M. Do you have a religious background? If so, how do you think it has influenced your beliefs as of now?
A. I grew up in the baptist church. White southern baptist to be specific. No fun dancing- just a lot of fire and brimstone. My ideas of God never really matched the sermon, but I was often confused because I connected with the Sunday school vision of Jesus. I was taught that He was a Rock, a sanctuary, a friend. I started to hope he was there somewhere and I felt that was true because a few songs still reflected that friend. That nice part of God still holds true. When I feel God must exist, I can't deny it's difficult to see anyone else other than that figure I saw as a child.
M. What problems do you have with the idea of God in the church you grew up in?
A. Well, for one: I have a hard time feeling like God really hates anyone. It seems strange to me that God should hate a person based on their sexual orientation, or because they were a different religion, or if they were "feminist" or seen as equal to male counterparts. Logically- if God created everyone- and people are born with a certain mind- or certain sexual orientation- it seems illogical that God would create something only to hate it. Couldn't he then just never make the person that makes him so angry? This idea of God seems stupid- or incompetent, or ??? just confused.
M. What parts of that God did you like?
A. Jesus is my favorite part of the bible. The old testament was really lost on me. I haven't read it recently( since the fall of 2006 to be exact), but as an example, once while trying to ask for divine direction I flipped the bible open at random. The story I came across one the story of a beautiful and devout woman. Long story short she was raped by her brother. Her brother wasn't punished, but she had to shave her head and never be seen by anyone ever again, so she locked herself in her family's home. I was out raged by the story then and it still makes me cringe now.
Jesus was much cooler in comparison. He didn't judge the common people- although he did seem to be angry with the rich priests working at many a temple. He loved people, healed people, taught lessons to people who would listen. That to me was beautiful- and going back to the influence question- I can't help but believe that is what a good person looks like. Jesus, if nothing else, was a beautiful example of the way people should live.
M. Why not just believe in Jesus than or a rendition of another religion?
A. Picking at parts of different Philosophies and religion seems not enough for me. Maybe it is that I know what kind of faith I used to have or that other people have the faith that I want(specifically an example would be my friend Jeff), but only using parts of a religion seems not enough. Accepting only the parts of a person you love would be not love in my definition. Why should God be any different? I just don't know what to believe. I have to say- Jesus is the closest thing to what I would believe- and often it feels I am right there on the ledge- hoping to be pushed back in but it just doesn't happen. There is no peace in my soul. The world sits in my vision.
M. What makes your faith weak? What changed your point of view to begin with?
A. Honestly, initially- (as very stereotypical this story might be) one of my close friends in high school killed himself. Being with someone as they suffer and eventually losing them to that sadness- and never really expecting it to happen. It changed me in ways I cannot say. I guess that idea of Jesus being the good guy changed. People told me that my friend was going to hell. Things got really dark for a second. Luckily, I met a person who had Jesus like characteristics- and this time he was in front of me in a physical body.
From that point on I studied philosophy- and altruism- and why logically being a good person mattered.
Being in L.A. makes me lose that point of view. I look at all the suffering people- and ask God where he is this day? I look at others around me and internally ask why they don't seem to see the people around them suffering? I ask why these people don't see themselves? If God is there- I ask him why he gave me a heart that seems to sag and drag with tears for people I do not know? Why do I care this much? Some might ask me who taught me to care this way. And I say that no one I know except one girlfriend has ever told me they struggle with this same thing.
M. Would you say you are looking for answers in people or in God? It seems that maybe the world and people get in the way of your idea of God. Would you say that is correct?
A. Yes- I guess I am looking for answers. Even in spite of not knowing many people who care like I do, I don't doubt that it is how we are supposed to care for one another. I guess I am looking for more direction in God- a sign- some advice- a new place I have not seen or a word I have not heard yet. I guess I feel like I am missing something- but I can't imagine what it is. In philosophy, being able to envision a situation to the very end is how you solve problems. I guess I feel innately that this doesn't work the way logic does. So I am waiting for something that is not myself to give me something more.
If anything were getting in the way- I can only say it is me. My brain- my perception- I know I am missing something, but it's as if I am covering my own eyes or have become blind. I cannot heal myself- but I know inherently I am hindering myself.
M. Have you learned anything while writing this blog?
A. Yes. While looking up pictures of Jesus I found this blog post: http://spsptalks.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/multicultural-perspectives-on-the-question-was-jesus-happy/
Very interesting stuff. Maybe Jesus was as unhappy as I am at times. But one of my living mentors believes happiness matters. This person states that it is hard to do what you care about and succeed in your goals if you are always unhappy. My constant heart pang is for the problems I feel are out of my hands. Or are out of my hands right now.
Maybe my lesson here is that Jesus didn't give up and neither should I. And even if I don't have solutions now- it doesn't mean I won't later. Or someone else won't have them sooner. Even if I don't dive into religion right this moment, I can have faith in the example of Jesus- and other nice people- and know that I am not struggling alone- even if it feels that way sometimes.
Mas: It is weird to interview yourself, but I have been wanting to do this for a while. Hope it's enjoyable. If anyone has questions the interview is lacking- please do ask.
<3
