Astrid Falling

Falling up, down, sideways. Falling with the idea of God. This will be a document of where I am today in my beliefs about the metaphysical.  I sit in this shared room- an apartment in a very old building in the middle of downtown Los Angeles. I am only a block, literally, from skid row. A cup of tea is at my side. Hopefully it will relieve stress- maybe some loneliness. Or maybe this blog will do just that.

M. Do you have a label- religious or philosophical??

A. Very confused. Haha. I love the idea of many individual religions and philosophies, but if I had to pick a label it would be close to gnostic. I know that God must exist, but the idea of picking one tears my brain to shreds. I like existentialism. . . Kierkegaard is the dreamiest.

M. Do you have a religious background? If so, how do you think it has influenced your beliefs as of now?

A. I grew up in the baptist church. White southern baptist to be specific. No fun dancing- just a lot of fire and brimstone. My ideas of God never really matched the sermon, but I was often confused because I connected with the Sunday school vision of Jesus. I was taught that He was a Rock, a sanctuary, a friend. I started to hope he was there somewhere and I felt that was true because a few songs still reflected that friend.  That nice part of God still holds true. When I feel God must exist, I can't deny it's difficult to see anyone else other than that figure I saw as a child.

 M. What problems do you have with the idea of God in the church you grew up in?

A. Well, for one: I have a hard time feeling like God really hates anyone. It seems strange to me that God should hate a person based on their sexual orientation, or because they were a different religion, or if they were "feminist" or seen as equal to male counterparts. Logically-  if God created everyone- and people are born with a certain mind- or certain sexual orientation- it seems illogical that God would create something only to hate it. Couldn't he then just never make the person that makes him so angry? This idea of God seems stupid- or incompetent, or ??? just confused.

M. What parts of that God did you like?

A. Jesus is my favorite part of the bible. The old testament was really lost on me. I haven't read it recently( since the fall of 2006 to be exact), but as an example, once while trying to ask for divine direction I flipped the bible open at random. The story I came across one the story of a beautiful and devout woman. Long story short she was raped by her brother. Her brother wasn't punished, but she had to shave her head and never be seen by anyone ever again, so she locked herself in her family's home. I was out raged by the story then and it still makes me cringe now.

Jesus was much cooler in comparison. He didn't judge the common people- although he did seem to be angry with the rich priests working at many a temple. He loved people, healed people, taught lessons to people who would listen. That to me was beautiful- and going back to the influence question- I can't help but believe that is what a good person looks like. Jesus, if nothing else, was a beautiful example of the way people should live.

M. Why not just believe in Jesus than or a rendition of another religion?

A. Picking at parts of different Philosophies and religion seems not enough for me. Maybe it is that I know what kind of faith I used to have or that other people have the faith that I want(specifically an example would be my friend Jeff), but only using parts of a religion seems not enough. Accepting only the parts of a person you love would be not love in my definition. Why should God be any different? I just don't know what to believe. I have to say- Jesus is the closest thing to what I would believe- and often it feels I am right there on the ledge- hoping to be pushed back in but it just doesn't happen. There is no peace in my soul. The world sits in my vision.

M. What makes your faith weak? What changed your point of view to begin with?

A.  Honestly, initially- (as very stereotypical this story might be) one of my close friends in high school killed himself. Being with someone as they suffer and eventually losing them to that sadness- and never really expecting it to happen. It changed me in ways  I cannot say. I guess that idea of Jesus being the good guy changed. People told me that my friend was going to hell. Things got really dark for a second. Luckily, I met a person who had Jesus like characteristics- and this time he was in front of me in a physical body.

From that point on I studied philosophy- and altruism- and why logically being a good person mattered.

Being in L.A. makes me lose that point of view. I look at all the suffering people- and ask God where he is this day?  I look at others around me and internally ask why they don't seem to see the people around them suffering? I ask why these people don't see themselves? If God is there- I ask him why he gave me a heart that seems to sag and drag with tears for people I do not know? Why do I care this much? Some might ask me who taught me to care this way. And I say that no one I know except one girlfriend has ever told me they struggle with this same thing.

M. Would you say you are looking for answers in people or in God? It seems that maybe the world and people get in the way of your idea of God. Would you say that is correct?

A. Yes- I guess I am looking for answers. Even in spite of not knowing many people who care like I do, I don't doubt that it is how we are supposed to care for one another. I guess I am looking for more direction in God- a sign- some advice- a new place I have not seen or a word I have not heard yet. I guess I feel like I am missing something- but I can't imagine what it is. In philosophy, being able to envision a situation to the very end is how you solve problems. I guess I feel innately that this doesn't work the way logic does. So I am waiting for something that is not myself to give me something more.

If anything were getting in the way- I can only say it is me. My brain- my perception- I know I am missing something, but it's as if I am covering my own eyes or have become blind. I cannot heal myself- but I know inherently I am hindering myself.

M. Have you learned anything while writing this blog?

A. Yes. While looking up pictures of Jesus  I found this  blog post:  http://spsptalks.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/multicultural-perspectives-on-the-question-was-jesus-happy/

Very interesting stuff. Maybe Jesus was as unhappy as  I am at times. But one of my living mentors believes happiness matters. This person states that it is hard to do what you care about and succeed in your goals if you are always unhappy. My constant heart pang is for the problems I feel are out of my hands. Or are out of my hands right now.

Maybe my lesson here is that Jesus didn't give up and neither should I. And even if I don't have solutions now- it doesn't mean I won't later. Or someone else won't have them sooner. Even if  I don't dive into religion right this moment, I can have faith in the example of Jesus- and other nice people- and know that I am not struggling alone- even if it feels that way sometimes.

Mas: It is weird to interview yourself, but I have been wanting to do this for a while. Hope it's enjoyable. If anyone has questions the interview is lacking- please do ask.

<3

The Love Slut

I love the moments in life that I feel God must exist, or my will is so strong that what I wish for immediately comes true. I was sitting inside of this quiet and comfy bookstore wishing I had one sweet soul to read with, and as nothing happened I gathered my things. While walking out the door,  I saw a pair of green eyes staring wide at me.  She grabbed my arm and said, "Lean this way." A gentleman across the way was staring at me in an unfriendly kind of way. I leaned towards her and we both realized we had been looking for one another. My heart soared! This is her lovely interview.

Astrid: If you had to label yourself in some metaphysical theory, what would it be?

Love: I would say I am  humanist with an emphasis on Human Experience, and specifically on the connections we have to one another. I sometimes want to say atheist, but am truly more agnostic. If Science is the logical explanation, and religion is grounded in faith- I think there is an area the is a mixture of both in the human experience. Our life is more than its parts. I can't believe either one wholeheartedly. I believe what I see day to day, the good and the bad.
Terms like "Faith in Humanity" seem stupid to me because we are horrible. At the same time I know that statement is narrow because we are all in the process of healing. Every person experiences love, hate, joy, excitement, and we are on the way to complete understanding. We all have these emotions, they are intrinsic and that gives me faith. World peace is not possible, but we still have these amazing ups or positive emotions and experiences. Those are possible because the bad exists.

A: What is your  belief grounded in?

L: I went to catholic school, but at home my mother was very spiritual. She practiced tarot, believed in ghosts, clairvoyance, energies and that kind of stuff. I had a skewed view, but this was good because my moral beliefs weren't founded in church. I didn't believe I should do good to go to heaven. I learned that the connections we have with others shouldn't compromised for a lack of morality.

A: Do you have any experiences that really impacted you as a person and changed your beliefs or just impacted your beliefs?

L: Two years ago I was caught up is consumerism. The life I wanted and the image I wanted to portray was more expensive than what I had in my bank account, so I started stealing. It got so bad that I couldn't go into a store without taking something. I was trying to be someone I wasn't. I didn't realize that that wasn't the person I wanted to be until  I was robbed. As I was sleeping someone robbed my house and stole my car. I do believe in this type of Karma. I was doing wrong by my community and myself and I realized that when my actions had a consequence on myself.
From there I got a haircut and began the transformation into my real self.
I didn't realize how much of an addiction it was until I had to stop myself.

A: Wow. That's an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with me. Did you ever get caught, and can you describe a little bit of what its like to be in that frame of mind?

L: I was never caught. And the thing you might find most surprising is that stealing was incredibly easy, and it is because people are so consumed with themselves. I was so brazen that as  I walked into a department store  I put a pretty scarf on my neck and was complimented by a woman working in the store. A few minutes later  I walked out with the scarf and the tag was still on.
The frame of mind was very strange- it was very much like a game. I was constantly looking for loops through security. But my experiences helped me realize that I shouldn't compromise my inner being with the physical. You can want nice things, but respect for the people you love and your community is what is most important.

A: Is there anything else that has really impacted you as a person? Has any one person or group of people effect you in a big way?

L: In high school I had a group of friends and always felt like I didn't fit in with them, I always felt like the butt of their jokes.
In college I was in the middle of changing my degree and meeting new people. We had a a girl night on a Tuesday and as I walked up I heard them saying the meanest things about me from an open window. It confirmed everything that I had felt for so long. I had no proof for the longest time and if I had left them sooner without proof, I would have been the bad person. I have never been so heart broken and pleased at the same time. Their actions freed me from having to hang on to the past.
I packed up all my things and moved closer to my new campus, and to new people. I learned to love a new city, new people, and I moved away from my family to further my experience.

A: Is there one thing you want to do before you die? One thing that would just make you so happy- maybe a little more complete?

L: I would love to write a book. But it will be a big accomplishment for me because I am dyslexic and I am very self conscious. I would call it "Love in 50 countries" or "Love Overseas".

I have this grand scale of love. Some people have this ultimate idea of love, but I believe a large sliding scale. There is a love that just really feels like you care about a person and how they feel, their goals, and then at the other end of the scale you might have someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
There are other types of love, like a feeling for a moment or the objects or ideas that you love.

That is what I hope to write about.

Andy The Metaphysical Naturalist

Andy smiles like no one else. Seriously. Some people say that this person or that person's smile is contagious, but Andy's smile reaches from ear to ear. And if he is smiling, the Grinch is surely smiling too. When he laughs, his whole upper body moves- almost like a very cool happy dance.  I have known Andy for four or five months. We met at a juice bar that I worked at, and he has a Bachelors in Philosophy and Psychology. We were both pretty happy to find mutual nerds in one another. This is Andy's Interview.

Astrid: Do you have a title of the metaphysical kind?

Andy: To most people I say I am a Metaphysical Naturalist or Humanist. Most people associate Atheist with bad things and I don't want that reputation.

Astrid: What does your system of beliefs entail?

Andy: I don't believe in anything supernatural. Theoretically everything can be explained through natural law. If we don't have the answer now, we will have the scientific answer some day.

Astrid: Some people think Atheism or Humanism is very different from other system of beliefs. How would you describe it?

Andy: I believe my system, like others, runs on emotions like love and fear. I believe these emotions are primal and crucial to happiness. And many people think Atheism is Nihilism and that's just not the case. Spirituality is the acknowledgement of something bigger than the self. That greater thing for me is Nature. I love to back pack and be in the presence of 200 year old trees. The vastness of the Universe and it's existence is inspiring. The fact that the conditions on earth were such that humans came to be sentient and conscious is astonishing and it definitely puts me into a state of aw. Natural selection is an amazing thing.

Astrid: What is your background and how has that affected who you are or what you believe now?

Andy: I was raised Catholic. I was confirmed and Baptized. During middle school I experienced the hypocrisy and the immoral actions of people who called themselves Christians. It really discouraged those beliefs. The problems that I found later became debilitating. The teaching that I should pray instead of act in a problematic situation and the fact that my beliefs about abortion and homosexuality were not parallel to the church were irreconcilable. I then became a Philosophy major and I did not have a reason to keep a label that I did not identify with.

Astrid:What are some influential people in your life or education/.belief system?

Andy:  I really respect Daniel Dennett and his work in Consciousness and Religion.
http://ase.tufts.edu/cogstud/incbios/dennettd/dennettd.htm.
I also really admire Richard Dawkins, he is a Zoologist, but reading his material was helpful in finding what I believe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Dawkins

Astrid: So you don't believe in Heaven or Hell? What would you say to people who have had really awful lives? Say there is a person  who had the life of a slave or just a disease that causes them to be in pain all the time?

Andy: I do believe in the 2nd theory of thermodynamics: matter is never created nor destroyed. When someone dies they leave their conscious, sentient self and are never that person again. The up side is if they were in pain they are not in pain anymore. If someone has a really hard life, they have a choice to see the good in it. Life is life and we should be thankful. Whether people decide to believe in God or in Natural selection- I don't know why random selection has less meaning or is less precious. I think science makes it more precious.

Astrid: What do you like most about your set of beliefs?

Andy: I have personal or existential freedom.  I can create the situation I need and I am not dependent on an external source. Regardless of my situation, I can make the most out of my life with my own positive actions.

 

Jeff- not your typical Christian

Jeff and I have been good friends for a year now. For as long as I have known him, he has had a faith I think is beautiful and at the same time I just don't have the consistency or the peace of mind to say I can believe what he believes. This is his interview.

I sat across from Jeff after he meticulously tasted his Americano. His eyes are always sweet. He tells the starbucks barista that his coffee is burnt. She apologizes and tells him the machine is pulling at six seconds and makes him a new one. He says his new beverage is perfect multiple times. I love the way we love coffee together.

Astrid: If you had to label yourself what label would you hold?

Without hesitation Jeff said his title is Christian, but with that he put his arms up and declared he did not hate gay people. In fact he is called to help the gay community in relation to Christian God.

To Jeff this means that his relationship with God is based on the understanding that Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. He said with grace alone we are saved by Christ, and we can do no action or number of actions that could make us worthy.

Jeff believes that the defining feature of Christianity is that the greatest commandment is love. We must love like Christ, deny our selves, our desires, we should practice forgiveness toward ourselves and for each other. These actions can only be done through Christ. When we find ourselves striving to do these things without Christ we fail- we are tired. It is when we lean on God that we become Christians.

A: What is your back ground and how do you feel it has affected the way you feel about your beliefs and your God now?

J: In my 20's and 30's I explored Buddhism, Taoism, and New Ageism- all of these Philosophies declared that all things are one- we are part of God and the earth and universe all connected as one great being.
I know that if I had not explored Buddhism and practiced the act of being grateful- I would have never would have been grateful enough to be the Christian I am now.

At 38 I was drawn to a relationship to Christ. My step mother was the first person I met who was a devoted Christian woman. She was in the world, but not of the world. I had a conflicted idea about who I would become if I was Christian. I read a great book that helped me with this conflict. The title of the book is called "Blue Like Jazz". It is a boy/man’s journey from being a strict Baptist, to then going to college and renouncing his beliefs so that he would fit in to the kind looking aspect of humanity. He than met a girl who changed his idea of what being a Christian meant.

A: What is being different in Christ mean to you?

J: There is more background to that answer. I feel I had been running from God for as long as I experienced Him. An example was at Church camp when I was 13, It was evening Mass. The Cardinal said that if anyone wanted to come forward and have their faith strengthened they should come to the front. I came forward and the Cardinal placed his hands on my shoulder and said: "You will open your heart to the Lord." The feeling I had in that moment is indescribable. I felt the presence of God. But, even as I experienced Rock solid truth, I didn't let that experience change me. I still hid things from God, like that was an option.

Another experience I had was later when I was 38, I with a friend to his Cowboy Church. I went to this Church and I saw all of these rugged men show me how kind they were. It was really disarming. I walked into the Church with something to prove. I told myself that I was open minded, but in reality I was open to anything that was not Jesus. I could not contemplate it, I was unwilling to see Jesus as God. I only wanted to love God on my terms, and it was then that I realized I had to love him on his terms or it was never going to work.

One translation of of Psalms 23 is: Surely goodness and Mercy will pursue me all the days of my life. That is when I realized God had been chasing me. And I ran away from him even as he showed me who he was and loved me.

A: What do you think people need to know about God that you love?

J: People often think there is a difference between God of the New testament and God of the old Testament, and there is no difference. The Plagues and the terrible things that God did in the first testament seem hard for many to reconcile with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but that is because people are blinded by a sense of entitlement. To be human is a gift itself, but with that gift comes with responsibility and consequences. We want to have our cake and eat it too. We only want to love God when good things happen and freak out when bad things happen. But God is the Creator and as creator He gives and takes as he sees fit. We want all the good and never any bad, but that is unrealistic. Anytime we judge God we are being arrogant and presumptuous.

If you look at the Gospel, scripture says that we must accept Jesus as savior. Others see this as narrow and vengeful, but I see it as mercy. Since creation we have turned our backs on God, and all we have to do is say Thank you, Sorry, and Please Jesus save me and we are saved. This is infinite mercy, but a lot of people don't see it that way.

A: Do you think hell exists?

J: If all people believe in Jesus as Lord, then Hell wouldn't have to exist. I hope that if the reason Christ hasn't come back yet it’s because he is waiting for everyone to get it. I also believe that the biggest obstacles for people coming to Christ are all of the false and inhumane "Christians" who represent Christ in the wrong ways.

A: Do you believe babies go to Hell? Do you have a definition of Hell?

J: No. Babies don't go to hell, and dinosaurs did exist. 8 days doesn't mean literally 8 days. I don't always believe in the literal translation of the Bible. One part of the bible that I believe is literal is " Every knee will bow, every tongue will confess." This is part of the reason I have hope that God in his mercy has a plan for everyone to get in? I try not to focus on a definition of Heaven and Hell. Heaven is a bonus after we learn the code of ethics here on earth.

A: Do you believe a person can be ethical without being Christian? and how can the Grace of God save us if we must first have a code of Ethics?

J: I have met many people who are ethical without being Christians, and one of my close friends is a very ethical person, of high integrity who happens to be atheist. I believe a person can have a code of ethics, but in my experience, it is impossible to always stay on path because it is in Christ that we are able to hold to that code of ethics. The code of ethics is a claim to God's Grace. Faith without works is dead. Through grace we are saved and forgiven. Our acts are our declaration to God that we need his help and his love. It is by living ethically, that we make Christ visible to the world, which is where most Christians fall short.

A: Do you have any closing statements?

J: John 14.6: Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me

John 3.16:For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

2 Cor. 4.16-5.4:Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2 Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, 3 because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4 For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I believe people are fundamentally broken and are in need of Christ.